I love you, forever.

I don’t even know what to say… I miss Parker.

This weekend he was cremated and knowing that I’ll never get to see his little face again is just devastating.  It was different having him in the hospital where if I really wanted to see him again, I could. But now, he’s gone.  Never again will I lay eyes on him, or touch his little hands.  I can’t hold him. I can’t kiss his forehead… I can’t do any of it.

I think about him, and all the things we wont be able to do.  We’ll never get to see his smile, or hear him talk, walk or even just breathe.  Why did my baby have to go?  I tried to hard to make him stay.  I held him and told him that I’d be the best mommy he could ever ask for, and I told him that I would take such good care of him, but none of that worked. 

I heard him cry at 10:05am  on August 24th, and I’ll never hear it again. I’m afraid I’m going to forget what he sounded like and what he felt like.  His head was so fuzzy and his skin was so soft.  His head fit perfectly in the palm of my hand.  In my hands is where he took his last breaths and his heart beat it’s last beats. 

Parker, Mama misses you so much.  I love you, forever.  

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11 thoughts on “I love you, forever.

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