Week two

Has it really been 2 weeks since my m/c?! I feel like it was just yesterday…

Tomorrow I’m going to call the clinic and set up my final beta for Monday. They told me to come back in a week, which would of been Wednesday.  I wanted to wait a little extra longer to make sure it was in fact zero.  I didn’t want to have to drag it out longer than it needs to be.  I also didn’t want to have to pay another $35.00 co-pay just for them to tell me to come back once more. So, I opted just to wait a few extra days, by the way I’m feeling..I’d say it is about -268. I think that counts as a zero, no?!?!

I think one of the worst parts post m/c is the questions. Not questions about the m/c but questions like, How are you doing?! What’s going on?! What’s new?! Of course most of the time I answer these questions as vague as possible.   They will get, ” I’m doing good” or… “Everything is great!” …… For the most part everything is great, and I am doing good….kinda. But, there are times that I want to just tell them, “You know what?! I’m not great. I’m not fine.  You want to know whats going on!? Really?!”…. and then just tell them everything. I think that would be the last time they’d ask me how I was feeling!  I hate having to pretend everything is just fine when I know it is sooo not just. fine. My heart just crumbles.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my lost babies.  It’s crazy to think you can have so much love for teeny tiny growing cells.  I’ll always have a soft spot for them in my heart….or maybe a weak spot.

I was talking to our Bradley instructor, Amy.  She’s simply amazing.  I know that she just gets everything, so I told her what was going on.  Of course she was more than willing to give me her good vibes and talk me down from never wanting to get pregnant again.  She said one thing that I’ll have to remember come Jan. when we try again..  She said, “Take a deep breath and let the fear leave your body” … Now, If I can just do it.  You, my friends in blog land will have to remind me of this next cycle.  =)

I’m working on getting to a better place.  I still breakdown and cry with a simple mention of my m/c.  It’s so hard to hold it in, but it’s getting better.

I’ll leave you with another quote from Amy….

“Believe in your womaness”

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4 thoughts on “Week two

  1. You're doing an amazing job of feeling your feelings AND keeping up a positive front for those who don't/can't understand how hard it is. You will get to the place where it feels right and possible to try again. Come January, I'll be right there cheering for you.

  2. I know what you mean about the "how are you doing?" stuff. I remember that, too, and wanting to just slap the poor person who asked. We will be here to remind you to breathe and let the fear go on your next try. {{{}}}

  3. Tiptoeing in, embarrassingly late, to tell you how sorry I am about your loss. I have had my head in the sand for the past few weeks and I'm just now getting caught up. I so wish there was anything that could be done to save you the pain of going through this again. *big hugs*

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