One Week

Today marks one week since my second miscarriage….Fucking sucks!

I’ve been up and down with this one.  We had a busy weekend so the whole thing really didn’t have time to set in.  I’ve cried on the way home from work two days in a row, and last night I got pulled over.

Imagine this…

I’m crying my eyes out having a pity party in the car going I don’t know how fast, maybe 65 on a 55mph road….  BAM, cop saw me… and pulls me over (Do they REALLY need that HUGE BRIGHT ASS light that they shine into your face so you can’t see anything?!?!?)  He asked me for my license and registration…I found my license of course but my registration I can not locate. (Still crying) I told him what was going on… That I was upset and just wanted to go home and I’m sorry If I was speeding but I wasn’t paying attention because I was crying.  He asked me if there was an emergency I said, “No, I had a miscarriage and I’m very upset!”  He said, ” Oh… Okay (hands me back my license) you had a miscarriage?!?!….get home safely”….and off he went….and then I cried some more. I’m glad that he had some compassion because I really didn’t want a ticket, and I couldn’t find my registration.  Thank You Mr. Cop. 

My hormones are out of control.  Yesterday, for a few hours I felt pregnant. Smells were bothering me, I didn’t want to eat, I felt sick, and all I could say to myself was, ” I wish these were real”…  I know it’s my hormones, but I’d like it if a baby some how appeared back into my uterus. That would be nice.

Yesterday we had the appointment with our RE and we went over some possible causes and some strategies and possibilities for next try.  Next time will be fresh IVF being that I don’t have anymore snow babies stashed away anywhere.  The possible causes range from “I could just be nothing and totally random to clotting or chromosomal disorders.”  Being that both of my losses were at 6 weeks which is the “normal” time to m/c it is more likely something chromosomal than the other clotting disorders.  He said this is because at 6 weeks the vessels that could carry the clot to the baby are really not formed yet..which totally makes sense to me.  …and of course it could be nothing at all.  Just bad luck or they were just individually bad eggs and it may or may not happen again.  I have to get  my blood drawn for about 15-20 m/c possibilities and the results should be back in about 3-4 weeks.  That pretty much puts or next IVF at about December/January  a little wait if I wanted it or not.  I want the results before I go through with anything else.  If I have some horrible disorder that makes it nearly impossible to carry to term I’m not sure I want to put myself, my family and new little life through that.  Enough babies have died due to my faulty body.  If the results are good and nothing genetically is wrong then we’ll go through with the fresh IVF.  I have to wait until my beta is 0 to get this blood work done, so lets hope it goes down fast.

The doctor gave us an options if the results come back that I have some sort of chromosomal disorder…  He said that they could get my eggs (as normal) and then test each egg for abnormalities and just put back the good ones.  He went on to say that he could be right or he could be wrong with the choices of which eggs are which..and it cost $4-5K OOP because insurance does not over it.  This of course is only an option if the blood work comes back with one of the chromosomal problems that can be worked around.  We definitely do not have 4K for him to guess which eggs could be affected and which seem normal. I guess if that is the path we have to go down then we’ll talk about it then. 

I’m not sure if I’d prefer a “everything is just fine..you had bad luck” outcome or the “here is what’s wrong lets see if we can work around it” outcome.  I’d like for there to be nothing wrong but then again that does not give me restored hope that it wouldn’t happen again.  With the outcome that there could be something wrong at least they’d know it and we could figure out a way to work around it or change our TTC plans.  Maybe Laurie will have to carry all of our little boos….if that is the case, I’d be okay with that.  I wouldn’t want to go through with more treatment and more money knowing that the possibilities are not in my favor.  Laurie has a good uterus and she makes really cute babies! =) 

With that said, we only have one more vial of sperm for this donor (same donor as Ryan) so we plan to refreeze the vial.  They will take out what they need and refreeze the rest.  Has anyone done this?  I really want our children to be related though blood.  This vial is our last chance of that because or donor is retired and we’ve bought him out.  ..I just hope that it don’t hurt the sperm quality too much.  I’m sure that it would after a few times of refreezing.  Hopefully, we won’t need to worry about it too much.  But, it is always in the back of my head.  Even though I do know that no matter what our children will be related because they are apart of our family.  But, the blood relation would be an added bonus for them.

So, mentally I’m at times a wreck…. Physically, I’m on the mend.  I’ve been bleeding between semi-heavy and heavy and cramping for 6 days.  We asked the Dr. when it should stop and he didn’t have an answer for that. It’s one of those, everyone and every time is different situations.  Last time I only bled for 3 days.  However, Today has been blood free…we’ll see what tomorrow brings. 

January seems so far away….   =/

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7 thoughts on “One Week

  1. Heather, I am so very sorry. I remember those horrible dark days of crying in the car after/during my losses, feeling so broken and hopeless. I especially feel for you, having the added pressure of worrying about the biological connection between Ryan and your next child. Our donor was also long-retired, and even with buying more vials from people in our donor group on the DSR, we still came down to the wire.I hope that you get the kind of answers that are resolvable and give you hope for your next cycle. I hope that you get to move forward and continue the dream. And I hope that you get your keeper pregnancy with the January cycle.If you need to vent offline, or want to talk to another non-bio mom who struggled to bring baby #2 into the family, feel free to email me.

  2. oh man, this post took me right back to my sobbing-while-driving-home-from-work days. im glad the police officer let you go, a ticket would have just been extra salt in the wound. hoping that you get some answers soon and are able to move forward in your family-building efforts confidently. ((()))

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