::sigh::

Really? I can’t believe this is happening to us. It’s one of those things that you hear happen to other people. I never thought we’d be in this situation.  I’m not even sure what to think. Did my body do the right thing because the baby was sick? Or did my body fail me?  I feel like my baby was ripped right out from under my feet. One minute I’m feeling great, next I’m experiencing my worst nightmare…

What happened:
While at work Friday evening (6pm) I had one really big, bad cramp. I knew it felt different. I’ve had cramps all along, but this one hurt. About 30 min. after I felt that cramp I then felt a gush (Yuck!) At first I marked it up to just discharge, but somehow I knew it wasn’t. I went into the bathroom and as I was pulling down my pants I said to myself, “Please don’t be blood…”  Sure enough… blood everywhere. I cleaned myself up and called the RE’s emergency line. I talked to one of the nurses who said it could be nothing or I could be having a miscarriage.  She told me not to go to the ER unless the pain or blood was really bad (that was hard being that I work in a hospital and I knew that they’d give me a sono right away, but I did not want to go through with that without Laurie by my side.)  She then told me to go home right away and lay with my feet up and not get up unless I have to go to the bathroom. I left work and drove home right away to lay down.  I cried all way home… the tears just would not stop coming. The bleeding stopped around 8pm. I thought that because it stopped that it was a good sign.  I went for a sono first thing in the morning and the tech could not find any sign of a viable baby in there. The Dr. showed us on the sono that my uterus was starting to collapse as was the sac that had the baby inside.  Somehow I feel like there could still be a baby in there, maybe she just couldn’t find it?!  I know that there isn’t, but sometimes it helps to think that.  I had blood work, the clinic said that they would call me, but never did. Not sure why.  I have b/w on Tuesday to check beta and make sure it is going down as it should.  If it does not go down as it should they said I might have to take something to contract my uterus to help get everything out. (yay…that should be fun…. NOT!)

Our littlest baby has grown wings and we will miss our baby so very much. June 18 will never be the same.   Each year when Feb 11th (edd) comes around, we will always remember those sweet couple of weeks our baby has blessed us with.

On a brighter side, with all of this happening… I feel so lucky to have Ryan so healthy and smart. He makes everything better.. I was crying and he started to blow raspberries on my leg. My sweet boy, I love him so much. …and my wife… She’s just so amazing. She wakes up to be with me in the middle of the night when she hears me crying, I know that she will always be there for me. I love her more that words can ever express.

Goodbye sweet baby. Keep Grandma company.

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8 thoughts on “::sigh::

  1. Oh H…I'm so so sorry. I know there are no words that will take away that horrible feeling, but take good care of yourselves and each other. You two are strong, you'll get through this.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced my second m/c this cycle, it is heartbreaking. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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